about me

I am a 19 year old college student trying to figure out a way to gain power over my body. Let me tell you a little about myself. I have always seen myself as fat even when i was younger. However the wierd thing is that looking back at pictures i dont think i looked fat but in my head i always thought i was fat. Something that had to do with my low self estem had to do with family members nicknameing me "gorda" in spanish meaning fatty and they would call me sister "flaca" meaning skinny. So ever since i was small i already had in my head that i was fat. Once i started 5 grade i started doing cheerleading and playing soccer with friends and also running a lot with my best friend. i was at a low weight and confident and than my body started changing in 8th grade i got hudge breast and went through a big brake up with a boyfriend i had dated for 3 years. And so my weight slowly but surely started going up, but not to the point were i was obese but i would look at myself in the mirror and thing i looked so hudge and putting myself down. However i would hide this from friends and families if you asked them they would say i looked happy and was enjoying myself going out with friends every weekend going to parties and enjoying my life, but deep down inside of me i knew i was not happy. In 9th grade i started dateing and meeting boys trying to get myself to forget my ex. I did meet a boy and i started dating him, as soon as i started dating him i went through a stage were i would stay up all night talking to him my parents hated this i was becoming what people consider a rebel i would be given permision to go out and i had to be home by 10 but i would be home by 12 i would get grounded. At some point my parents basicly made me brake up with him and i went through a hudge depression period i wouldnt eat when i got home from school i stayed in my room all day everyday. Untill finaly my parents sat down with me and told me i could see him but i needed to fallow rules and they wanted me to check in with them every 3 hours. long story short i've been with my boyfriend 4 years 2 of those years i was at a perfect weight for my height. And 2 years i have been overweight, i feel sorry for him because he has seen me go through so much and sometimes i have to admit i blame him for my weight gain. I lost alot of friends because i would rather hang out with my boyfriend and because of this i would get depressed and eat so much.

when i started dating my boyfriend i was at 130 after 4 years i got up to 180. At my highest weight i was a senior in high school and i went to prom but i felt so ugly and i hate looking at the pictures even though they are suppose to be special and kept forever. at 180 i also started my freshman year of college right know in this new journey i started at 178 and so here i am know trying to move forward and leave all of this behind i hope one day i will be able to come back and write about my success story.

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